


would skipping over my tears lead to happiness?

by velvetpeach



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Ambiguity, Angst, Communicate Please, Flashbacks, Guilt, M/M, Mild Language, Open Ending, can they just hug forever, married Sulay, side chanchen, vague idol/dancer/performer!xing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-10
Updated: 2020-11-10
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:20:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27495613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/velvetpeach/pseuds/velvetpeach
Summary: after not seeing his husband for nearly four months, junmyeon doesn’t pick yixing up at the airport.a battle of obscuring their travail transpires.no victor emerges.
Relationships: Kim Junmyeon | Suho/Zhang Yi Xing | Lay
Comments: 5
Kudos: 32





	would skipping over my tears lead to happiness?

**Author's Note:**

> Would you believe me if I said I have 10+ sulay drafts in my notes?
> 
> I’ll get to finishing them, one day!
> 
> (I’m so excited for Jongin’s solo debut!)

married life is supposed to be joyous. everybody knows that.

being separated from your husband is a trial in itself when your husband is stubborn about his work ethic—something you respect but never fully comprehend.

that was the case for junmyeon and yixing. 

it’d been perfect for the first few years, but political tension led to yixing having to live in beijing once more, and junmyeon’s career had him remain in seoul.

after not seeing his husband for nearly four months, junmyeon doesn’t pick him up at the airport. his last visit was alright, but yixing was fatigued. essentially, his vacation days were used up, as he never left their home, and junmyeon tried nursing him back to health.

when yixing landed, he still peered around to look for junmyeon, who usually held up a handmade banner for him and a bouquet of flowers. he searched for his husband in vain, even though he knew someone else was driving him home.

it’s still a cruel blow to him, as he pretended to look happy when their common friend, chanyeol picked him up instead. his friend didn’t pry, and yixing was thankful for chanyeol helping him wihh th his bags.

his back ached, his eyes watered as they demanded to be shut, begging for rest, yet the concept didn’t exist for yixing. when nobody was there to tell him off, he worked for hours on end, pushing himself too much, it worried his peers gravely.

chanyeol slowly drove, thumbs tapping against the wheel in fear. “tell me, please.” yixing asks him, knowing something was dreadfully off.

“i’ve been trying to explain your side to myeon. you guys express things differently, all of us know that, but myeon… it’s draining for him too. we know you barely call cause you’re exhausted but, xing. he’s your  _ husband _ .” chanyeol nearly goes off, as their friend group had discussed this issue multiple times. they knew yixing’s heart was pure, being alone was taking a toll on him.

yixing doesn’t respond, but his pulse quickens dangerously. recently, he had missed his usual video call sessions with junmyeon due to prematurely falling asleep, or because he stayed behind to practice more. after apologizing multiple times, junmyeon stopped answering his texts and calls.

he told junmyeon as much as he could without making him worry, through audio memos and texts, something he was not personally comfortable with. yixing felt selfish for not finding interactions through the screen to be enough, though if he thrived on physical touch, how much more did junmyeon suffer?

his advances to reconcile were rebuffed. junmyeon never read his message when he said he was flying back to korea.

chanyeol groans in frustration as he can hear yixing’s shaky breath trying to ground itself. he didn’t know what to do. it wasn’t essentially one person’s fault—the circumstances made this happen.

“myeon cries himself to sleep… a lot,” he reveals, and yixing doesn’t hold back his tears. what had he been doing?

a failure of a husband, that’s what he was. 

“at least that’s what jongdae told me,” chanyeol talks about his husband, the matchmaker credited to introducing junmyeon and yixing to each other. yixing is ashamed of himself, as he felt oblivious to junmyeon’s hardships.

he was wrong. just because he endured didn’t mean that junmyeon could. he knew it now—he should’ve taken the lead. communicating online made him immensely uncomfortable, but it was what junmyeon needed. after all, it was all they could settle for now, yet yixing couldn’t provide that comfort for his husband.

his heart sinks to his chest, imaging how junmyeon managed to hide everything he endured. “how do i fix this?” he feels defeated, despite not even making it to their place yet.

chanyeol is about to drop yixing off now, and pats his friend’s shoulder. “you’re a good guy, you both are.” the touch is reassuring, but yixing doesn’t know if chanyeol is just sugarcoating the truth. he doesn’t know what to say.

“just talk it out, please?” he advises yixing. he wasn’t wrong though. communication could and would fix everything, if the speaker and receiver willed it to do so.

yixing is still worn down from the long flight, but the tears that flow down his face aren’t from the weariness. he chokes back his sobs, doing his best to wipe his face. “i know it’s been hard for you, buddy. we _know_ it has, but myeon’s been distressed because he wants to help.” chanyeol’s genuine concern for them both only renders yixing to feel less competent not only as a husband, but as a friend.

he already knew about what chanyeol told him, which is why he concealed all conflicts he went through, so that junmyeon wouldn’t be burdened. he didn’t wish to make his husband worry.

it seemed to backfire though.

chanyeol motions for him to stay in the car and let his tears dry. yixing lightly hugs him for the consideration, he didn’t even have to utter a word. 

minutes pass and he finally exits the car, struggling to carry his heavy luggage. chanyeol raises a fist in the air, a supportive gesture, and yixing only hopes all hell won’t break loose.

the receptionist greets him, excited to see him after months. he tries to enthusiastically respond, but only manages to bow deeply.

his fingerprint is easily read by their scanner, and he enters as if he were a spy, like he was invading someone else’s private space. it felt wrong. the last time he was here, it was his birthday, but he was sick during his entire stay, so junmyeon had to cancel the trip he planned for them. he could tell junmyeon was slightly disappointed, but his husband obviously took care of him with tenderness only junmyeon could possess. looking back, they've only been able to celebrate their anniversary together twice, since yixing had to move to china for his promotional activities. junmyeon was upset, and so was he, but they had no choice. yixing looks around, but there is no sign of junmyeon. the vast space found a way to make him feel suffocated, as he stared at their photos on the wall, during their wedding, and a plethora of special events.

the lights are strangely dim, but he doesn’t turn any on. perhaps junmyeon was resting.

he’s proven wrong when he sees junmyeon’s silhouette after turning to put his luggage down.

his following actions would predict the course of their exchange, if junmyeon would even bother to look at him. 

yixing’s lips are tugged into a forced smile feigning warmth. he was nervous. “bǎobèi,” he greets junmyeon who is sitting at the dining table, his expression stark as he swirled his wine. yixing instantly recognizes the sharp scent after getting a whiff of it. junmyeon doesn’t drink alone, and yixing isn’t quite ready to question why he was doing _that_ right now.

he doesn’t respond. it was their usual term of endearment, and his worry grew tenfold.

slowly, he carefully approached junmyeon, and wrapped his arms around his shoulders. his husband puts the glass of wine on the table, but doesn’t lean into his touch. awkwardness envelops them as yixing pulls away, but plants a chaste kiss to junmyeon’s crown.

junmyeon still hasn’t said anything to him, or reacted to his touches.

he kneels on the ground, hands on junmyeon’s thighs, gently stroking them to coax him to speak. “talk to me, _please_.” yixing asks, and junmyeon shuts his eyes.

“please… xīngān.” with a more serious tone, he bravely peeked at junmyeon from below. 

junmyeon tugs his arm with barely any force. “get up, your knees will hurt.” he orders. cruel as it seemed, care was the driving force behind his words. yixing stands once more.

“talk to me. please.” he repeats with desperation.

his husband finally meets his gaze, studying him like akin to a predator hunting its prey. an emotionless chuckle escapes junmyeon’s lips. 

“i’ve been trying to do that for the last four months.” he answers harshly. “and for weeks before that, and sometimes months again, as you’d know. right, yixing-ssi?” junmyeon sips the wine and awaits his husband’s response.

“it’s a two-way street. you should’ve told me you were upset. directly. you know how dense i can be.” yixing bluntly says. it was his ultimate flaw, and he despised it.

his husband isn’t coerced by his words. “you  _ should’ve _ known i was upset.”

“i wish i could—i’m not the psychic you think i am.” he reminds junmyeon.

“no shit, yixing. you don’t have to be one. checking up on your goddamn  _ husband _ who lives in another country seems normal, right? and you can’t even do it once a day!” junmyeon’s words are laced with venom, as he raises his voice even more.

the showbiz entertainment was ruthless, they both knew that. “well you could  _ try  _ and put yourself in my shoes, for starters. why’d you ignore me after i tried to get in touch with you, i was so busy i–”

junmyeon stands, and he’s furious. his face is red from the heat of disappointment. “busy? that’s laughable. i’ll just pretend you didn’t choose to be obsessed with working! sure.” he mutters in disbelief, refusing to let yixing interrogate him.

“and now you ask why i’ve been ignoring you?” junmyeon curses wryly, vigorously shaking his head.

a loud thud jolts yixing. “you didn’t let me finish!” yixing is nearly hysterical after junmyeon slams the table with so much strength, he’s afraid the neighbors would fret from the commotion.

he points an accusatory finger at his husband, commanding him to listen. “busy i didn’t get to eat more than a meal a day for weeks, and barely got more than an hour of sleep? yeah, sure! fuck, i guess i _was_ busy, junmyeon! _so_ busy i couldn’t stop contacting you even after you never replied!” he screams with rage, the veins on his neck protruding as junmyeon’s thick brows were slanted in question.

junmyeon’s jaw nearly goes slack, as he attempts to collect himself. his husband’s words pervade him, silencing the rebuttal on the tip of his tongue.

“happy? i’m so fucked up, junmyeon. i can’t go to sleep without thinking of work! i’m so fucking compulsive, i feel guilty when i’m not working! i feel like it’s the only way i can do something for you without  actually being there.” he gestures with palms opened grandly. “of course i felt great when you ignored me!” sarcasm takes over him, and junmyeon looks like he’s on the verge of slapping the man before him.

he is ignored once more, and proceeds to grab the glass of wine, shattering it with his death-grip. a mix of blood and wine drip onto the floor cathartically. yixing doesn’t wince from the pain, he simply holds out his palm, staring junmyeon down. 

immediately, junmyeon runs to get a first aid kit, meticulously removing the bits of glass in yixing’s skin, sterilizing it, and tightly winding a bandage around his hand. 

“yixing-ah…” he doesn’t know what to say, but yixing doesn’t flinch from his touch. he breaks instead, pleading for junmyeon’s understanding.

he hated fighting junmyeon.

his agitation subsides once he sees the regret on junmyeon’s face. “i’m really sorry i missed your calls so many times and didn’t tell you how i was doing... or a-asked about how you were doing, but i’d hoped you’d answer at least one of my texts. i never bothered you when you replied to me late—i knew you were probably doing something important and i didn’t want to ma-” junmyeon’s grip on him tightens as his vision is bleary fromthe endless falling of his tears.

“how could anything be more important to me than you?” junmyeon asks him. it comes off as cheesy after he says it, but he meant every word. yixing sighed, knowing that junmyeon’s question would make him seem like he didn’t prioritize junmyeon.

he wanted to fix this, but he didn’t know what to do.  
  


covering his face with his uninjured hand, he couldn’t find the right words to explain what he felt. all he wanted to do was cry, something he rarely did. “hey, i know,” a hand suddenly runs down yixing’s unstable back, soothing him firmly. the heat of junmyeon’s skin seeps through yixing’s clothing.

relief overcomes him but he can’t stop crying. “i’m sorry, junmyeon. i mean it.” he repeats again and again, until junmyeon hushes him. he looks junmyeon in the eye, wanting his husband to know that he was more than sincere about this.

chanyeol’s words echo in his head, making him loathe his actions more. he would never want junmyeon to be sad, cry himself to sleep, and be the reason behind it.

“i was stupid enough to think i had it worse.” yixing admits, when he fails to suppress his groan from the sudden sting of the cut.

“it was so hard for me, you asshole.” junmyeon presses his palms against his watery eyes, lowering his defenses as he playfully shoved yixing’s shoulder. “you don’t know how i thought i’d go mad from not knowing if you were doing fine.” he confesses.

yixing feels horrible.

“but you know i’m here to listen, and make you feel better, that’s my duty. it’s like what you said: ‘your problems are mine’ right?”junmyeon slowly wraps his arms around yixing, kissing his tear-stained cheek.

  
“i’m sorry, junmyeon. with my whole heart.” his tone has finality to it, and he knows junmyeon wouldn’t forget what commenced tonight—yixing wanted it to remain this way. if he could reverse time, then he would, but he needed to be accountable for his wrongdoings now, or else he’d slip up again eventually.

“apology accepted.” junmyeon guided yixing to their bedroom, warming his other hand. junmyeon pressed another faint kiss to yixing’s closed eyelids. “don’t do it _ever_ again.” he warns his husband before capturing his lips in a hypnotic kiss. instantly, yixing’s hands are all over his body, worshipping him as he’d longed to do so for months. his touch makes junmyeon’s knees weak, and a moment later, junmyeon is sitting on his firm thighs, leaning in to gingerly bite down on yixing’s full lower lip. his husband stared at him hungrily, but with hesitation, slowly removing junmyeon’s clothes as if he needed to ask for permission. they were stripped of their clothing, but yixing still felt like he didn’t deserve to do this to junmyeon, just yet.

seeing how reluctant his husband was, junmyeon raised the tip of his chin to examine his face, gorgeous as ever, but afraid. he didn’t like seeing yixing like this, so he kissed him deeply for him to know that he was wanted.

“now make it up to me.” junmyeon arches his back as his hips gyrate onto yixing’s hardness, contrasting the motion of his husband’s hips, eliciting moans from each other’s lips, clinging onto the divine friction. yixing softly yanks junmyeon’s hair back, licking a wet stripe against his sensitive neck, appreciating the mewl from his husband’s lips when he decorates his collarbones with purples and reds.

yixing does more than make it up to him, that night.

everything is resolved after a while, and yixing takes junmyeon to jeju. they bask in the sunshine, openly stealing kisses from each other as they lay down on the white sand of the beach. this was the closest they’d ever get to paradise, yixing thought.

on their final night there, yixing prepares a cabana for them to sleep in, rather than staying another night at the sleek hotel.

however, they end up staying at their private bonfire, limbs tangled, with no space between them. 

“i… i think we deserve this?” junmyeon suddenly tells him, savoring this moment as the moonlight shined upon them. he ruffles yixing’s hair lightly, his heart fluttering when yixing kisses him sweetly.

“a vacation?” yixing sleepily smiles, as his deft fingers softly trace intricate patterns on junmyeon’s back. junmyeon resists the urge to giggle from how yixing’s fingertips subtly tickled his skin. he brings his pointer finger up to poke the deep indent of yixing’s dimple which he adored, pressing his lips to it afterwards.

he shakes his head, leaving yixing dazed. “no.” junmyeon flashes yixing an even brighter smile, shifting his body so that he can see his partner eye to eye. how he loved having yixing as his final sight before sleeping, and his first sight in the morning, he was the remedy to quite possibly every misfortune in the world, junmyeon thought.

yixing presses multiple wet kisses to his husband’s back, who is happy to respond by nuzzling against his skin. 

“happiness.” he settles into yixing’s arms when he hears the sound of delight emerge from the man’s lips.

yes, maybe they do deserve this, yixing convinces himself, as he carries a sleeping junmyeon to the cabana, appreciating the look of contentment on his husband’s face.

but what you deserve isn’t what you always get—whether it’s good or bad.

yixing and junmyeon learn that the hard way when yixing has to leave again, just one week later.

they feel even more distant from each other, now that they’ve enjoyed each other’s company again, although they keep it to themselves.

their relationship isn’t as strained as before as months pass, and everything is fine. they start and end the day with calling each other, but junmyeon and yixing both know it isn’t enough to fill the void of being physically absent.

yixing still can’t help but hide his work and personal problems with junmyeon. his husband was constantly stressed from the pressure of his family forcing him take over the business, when he’d wanted to pursue being an artist. in turn, that pressure stressed out yixing too. he was mad he couldn’t convince his in-laws to treat junmyeon differently. junmyeon was their son, after all, and following one’s passion was more important than working and earning millions but being empty.

his thoughts made him reflect. was he doing the same thing? he found joy in what he did—dancing was his life. one thing he seemed to be doing wrong was pushing himself to the brink of depression. yixing wanted to stop, but _couldn’t_ stop his need to work tirelessly.

the minor injuries piled up on him, when his previous hip injury was triggered once again. he kept this from junmyeon, even when his husband pointed out that he seemed to limp during a performance he saw online. 

to make matters worse, yixing refused to tell junmyeon that doctors told him he needed to get surgery again, soon enough. junmyeon spent nights crying, begging yixing to visit. his parents were unyielding, and he felt so alone. yixing could only sob with him, as his in-laws ignored all his attempts to communicate. it was unusual, since they actually really liked yixing. at least that’s what he thought.

  
yixing truly wanted to be there with junmyeon, even requesting a vacation which he never did, but his company denied his request.

  
being bound to the contract meant that he couldn’t entirely decide for himself—he should’ve read the fine print when he joined the label.

“i’m sorry.” he mutters, a litany of apologies springing forth from his tongue as he’s distressed by his inability to comfort junmyeon. 

yixing was always better with actions, than words, which is why the calls only drained him more. he knew that i love you’s and i’m sorry’s wouldn’t be useful in the long run, but he couldn’t think of anything better to say. “i love you, i’ll be there soon.” the reassurance has junmyeon reply with an i love you of his own. he yawns and falls asleep as junmyeon tells him to rest.

old habits prove they die hard, when yixing passes out from not sleeping for nearly three days and misses a few of junmyeon’s calls, who’s exhausted beyond repair now. he’s unresponsive once more.

they make amends, but something seems to change between them. suddenly, facetiming each other for hours seems unbearable, and their routine fades into a good morning and good night call, only consisting of those words.

yixing is too shy to say i love you despite wanting to, when junmyeon stops ending his calls with those words.

soon enough, they both resort to texting each other the good night’s and good morning’s. whatever this sense of detachment was, they didn’t address it.

oddly enough, yixing isn’t taken aback when junmyeon stops messaging him all of a sudden.

he didn’t even know what he did this time, so he reciprocates the silence. the cognitive dissonance will eat him up, he knows that, but he relinquishes his efforts entirely.

they’re exactly were they were months ago, or perhaps in an even worse state. the only difference this time is, yixing doesn’t try to contact him after the first few days of having his apologies ignored.

for whatever reason junmyeon was angry, yixing acknowledged that he was probably at fault. his lack of communication would be brought up again, if junmyeon would even talk to him again.

he didn’t even know if he could treat junmyeon the way he deserved to be treated anymore, he simply felt lackluster. trying to put on a brave front did no good for him—being apart from each other couldn’t help them in any way.

all of his attempts to comfort him, no matter how grand, seemed bleak to junmyeon and even to others. the distance truly got to him, as he cursed himself for letting this happen. this was his best work opportunity, and he knew he had to clinch it, but it seemed the damage could not be any lighter.

déjà vu hits him when he arrives in seoul a few weeks later, and chanyeol, now accompanied by jongdae drives him to his place with junmyeon. they both brief him of the situation. apparently, his in-laws threatened to remove junmyeon’s name from the family register, if he wouldn’t promise to venture into their business. he was ever filial, but he finally snapped back at them.

yixing had no idea this happened, he was only fixated on clarifying whatever the hell was happening between junmyeon and him, because he wasn’t happy.

chanyeol told jongdae that junmyeon complained to his parents, arguing and asking why  he needed to be next in line, when his hyung was right there. what jongdae relayed next left yixing speechless. ‘yixing’s relations in china will help us expand’ is what they told junmyeon, according to jongdae. all the more he refused, but when he did, his father slapped him.

if yixing were there, he would’ve probably lost control and tried to beat his father-in-law to a pulp, but he knows he wouldn’t be able to. junmyeon wouldn’t let him. what fate did the couple have to bear so many burdens, and continuously sacrifice for their loved ones?

it’d been weeks since the incident, but junmyeon hadn’t spoken to his parents, yixing finds out.

junmyeon was  adored by his parents, but if he couldn’t persuade them, then no one could.

“be there for him.” jongdae says, as yixing’s expression is him. “do what’s best for you both.” chanyeol follows up.

he would do exactly that, even though it meant hurting himself in the process. yixing would quit his job, and move to some place where nobody knew him and junmyeon. if junmyeon liked the idea, maybe he could move to beijing with yixing. leaving seemed like the only option, and yixing wanted to properly protect his husband from his suddenly oppressive family.

instead of a glass of wine, divorce papers taunt him when he enters their home.

flashing white against his face, the sight of them pierces his heart. the bold letters are menacing to his face, as he reads that the request was issued by _junmyeon_ himself.

it was over, then. he bitterly pressed his lips into a thin line. all of the plans he made would go down the drain. junmyeon found him so repulsive, he wanted to legally break their bond.

yixing decided to comply. if he did, then there would be one less factor of forcing junmyeon to take over the company. his in-laws now considered yixing as nothing more than a business asset, and contrived to make their son capitalize on that, when he strongly opposed.

the divorce would certainly infuriate junmyeon’s parents, and only then would they loosen their reins on him.

without another word, yixing makes up his mind.

“gladly.” yixing grabs the pen and paper from junmyeon, affixing his signature the moment he steps foot in the house. all sense of hope is lost in his eyes. if junmyeon wants a divorce, then he’ll give it to him, even if he still wanted to work things out.

like the coward he was, he chose to just stop and accept what junmyeon wanted. 

he wasn’t like this before. yixing would never give up on junmyeon—he would try to reconcile until his dying breath. now, he just lost every spark of motivation in him. existence was just something he was thrown into complying with at this point, not something he enjoyed.

shoving the papers into junmyeon’s hands, he’s ready to leave, and look for a place to stay in for the night. maybe he could just fly back to beijing tomorrow.

junmyeon’s gaze at him hardens. it’s sharp and full of expectation. yixing is indifferent, knowing that his heart was pulverized to nothingness as he pretended that he really wanted to leave. 

he didn’t. he wanted to hold junmyeon, and make love to him the entire night, but here he was, giving up on the _only_ reason he had to live.

in that irrevocable moment he realized it.

he worked because he had to, but that necessity arose because of his love for none other than junmyeon, who only wished to be able to comfort him amidst all the trials in his life.

the papers threaten him, screaming at him to tear them apart and pull junmyeon into a soul-crushing kiss, and he contemplates doing so.

in the split second that he does, junmyeon’s gaze falters. “i can’t do this anymore.” his voice breaks as slams the door, leaving yixing alone.

run!

run!

run after him, now!

his mind yelled at him, but his feet remained planted on the ground, unable to speed off after his husband.

the divorce is settled months later. yixing and junmyeon lie about it being amicable to appease their family and friends, but soon enough, the kim family came to hate yixing with so much animosity.

their friends were surprised at the sudden shift—they never knew anyone could come to hate yixing. then again, their friends never knew how despicable junmyeon’s parents could be, either.

yixing knew his self-hatred was enough last a lifetime of agony. he relinquishes their house to junmyeon, since he was permanently moving to beijing afterwards anyway. he packs up his belongings securely, not letting junmyeon discover what he disposed of and kept.

contact between them ceases. there was no reason for them to communicate anyway.

it was inevitable that their friend group would crumble, but yixing didn’t let it happen. he chose to cut off contact with them instead, so junmyeon still had his best friends to rely on. yixing was left to think he didn’t deserve their compassion anyway, for his cowardice.

his messages from his friends were always ignored, but his heart longer for a semblance of camaraderie once more, whenever he saw photos of the group drinking together, or celebrating a special occasion. to make matters worse, his friends still greeted him during holidays and his birthday, even though he _never_ responded to them. he didn’t want to crave their rekindled friendship, because things would never be the same.

he wouldn’t ever forget seeing junmyeon’s face in the courtroom as their divorce was finalized. it was emotionless—teetering neither on elation nor dejection.

they parted ways in silence, and lived the next three years in their life without hearing any news of the other. 

yixing’s career prospered in those three years, immediately bouncing back after his serious hip surgery. his efforts paid off when he finally succeeded as a soloist, and was a household name in china.

his life wasn’t the same anymore, he couldn’t go anywhere without being recognized.

in january, he was invited to a festival in changsha, to inspire young hopefuls to pursue dance and the arts. he almost declines, wishing he had never taken this path, but changes his mind swiftly.

it was true that he was successful now, and he enjoyed the fruits of his labor, but the high from releasing new content would wither away even faster than before, leaving him hollow. 

after he finished talking, he was met with a standing ovation, and some of the aspiring trainees were even shedding tears when he told them of his sacrifices. nowadays he was also dealing with his newly established entertainment group, aiming to healthily manage teens to be performers with firm hearts and sharp minds. being a mentor made him enjoy his job even more, reigniting the fiery passion in him.

after the talk, he decides to linger in his hometown as he usually did, alone. he put on a cap and mask, changing his outerwear to keep a low profile. thankfully, everyone was enamored by winter’s mystifying beauty, and so he was able to safely stroll along he streets.

it was nearly dusk when snow began to lightly fall. yixing was carefree as he gathered some in his palm, reminiscing his youth.

sellers of different handicrafts were ubiquitous in the area, and he bought a few trinkets for friends, relatives, and his trainees. he did something he rarely did for himself though, he bought a simple bracelet with purple jade beads, slipping it on right after he purchased them. 

“the jade will let natural joy fill your soul, and cleanse your aura.” the elderly shopkeeper informs him, and he wishes it would truly do so.

the beads complemented his complexion well, reminding him of more blissful memories he associated with the color.

chatter from other people informs him of an interesting exhibit , which is the talk of the town, it’s a pottery exhibit of a master of the art, and he pays it a visit. 

yixing leisurely takes his time examining the exquisitely crafted teapots, plates, and bowls, when he’s unsure if someone called his name. he considers approaching the ceramist to praise his work, but the number of media personnel surrounding the artisan is overwhelming.

preparing to leave he returns to the street, hand in his pocket to call his agent to drive him home. snowfall had ended, and the road was now covered by slightly thick snow, cold against his heavily protected feet.

“hi!” yixing hears a beaming voice, he knows whoever is speaking is smiling. could a fan recognize him despite his disguise? or maybe it was a family member or friend of his. 

when he turns around, his eyes widen in a sensation he cannot fathom.

right before him is kim junmyeon, still poised and delicate, yet more handsome than ever. yixing’s heart fluttered, and he didn’t know what to make of it. why junmyeon was in china, more so, in changsha, yixing couldn’t even comprehend.

yixing’s mouth opens itself before his mind decides to, quickly pulling his mask down without proper thought. “i can’t believe you’re here!” he’s shocked, unable to form another sentence. junmyeon is wearing a beige wool coat in the winter, cheeks matching the light pink of his thick sweater.

he couldn’t deny the joy he felt upon seeing junmyeon.

his ex-husband’s cheeks glow with their familiar shine. “was just passing by with a client, how about you?” he explains, pointing at a tall young man a few steps behind him, who was busy buying some food at a stall.

yixing was saddened after knowing it was a work trip. he had hoped his former flame found the time to enjoy himself, somehow. “i’m just always here when i have my days off.” he replies shyly. it’s the truth. it was just a coincidence that he chose to speak at the event earlier.

he attentively listens to the man with sharp features, whohimself as oh sehun, an art director who works at one of the many museums that junmyeon regularly contacts for events. the knowledge excites him, as he wondered if junmyeon had pursued a career in the art industry.

yixing’s hope deflates a moment later.

it turns out that one of the many companies of the kim family was responsible for organizing this exhibit in china, sehun reveals. yixing pays no heed to it, as junmyeon is visibly unaffected by the statement.

sehun is immensely attractive, and young, yixing notes. small talk leads him to discover that junmyeon was designated to take over the kims’ most major family business—he was now next in line to be the CEO of their company but mostly focused on his fields of interest in their micro-businesses that consistently generated large income. he agreed to his parents’ wishes, much to yixing’s surprise.

a dignified expression carves itself onto yixing’s face as sehun respectfully shakes his hand. “i’m–” he begins, but sehun politely grins.

“you’re zhang yixing.  everyone knows you, it’s an honor.” sehun makes him smile sheepishly. he wonders if junmyeon _ever_ told sehun about him, and if they were more than just colleagues, but his intention rendered him to antagonize himself. he wasn’t supposed to meddle in junmyeon’s life now. he wanted junmyeon to be happy, whether or not it would be with no one, or someone other than him.

yixing’s agent suddenly calls him, and is about to pick him up, beckoning him to bid sehun and junmyeon farewell already, when his eyes are magnetized to a familiar glint of silver.

it couldn’t be…

junmyeon looked so carefree now, but why was it still there?

it had been years since…

no, yixing offers him a friendly handshake and bids junmyeon and sehun farewell, attempting to synthesize what he observed.

perhaps he only thought he saw it? 

surely, junmyeon wouldn’t keep it.

yixing lies to himself, for he spent hours at the store scrutinizing over which ring to give junmyeon. he remembered the store manager personally helping him, when he seemed so distressed by the thought of not picking the right ring. when he proposed, junmyeon was ecstatic. he loved the way it subtly twinkled and dazzled, in a way that would make stars envious.

it was definitely the engagement ring, and he could no longer deny it, though he would not question why junmyeon still wore it, and had it hanging from a chain on his neck. there wasn’t enough time for him to notice if the wedding band was still worn by junmyeon too, but seeing it would only hurt yixing more.

yixing’s wedding band was thrown into a wooden chest containing paraphernalia he’d gotten from junmyeon: letters, gifts, and even their photographs. involuntarily thinking about his former lover all day was cumbersome enough—seeing the manifestation of their love that once was would only leave him to desiderate.

on some nights, he couldn’t handle it and opened the chest. nostalgia took control as he weeped, embracing junmyeon’s sweater that he never came back for. then again, when he was a millionaire, would he really care for one article of clothing he forgot to ask yixing to return after he borrowed it? it was borrowed under the notion of ‘what’s yours is mine’ but yixing also remembered that multiple pieces of his clothing were left in their house too. he wonders if junmyeon threw them all away.  


over time, junmyeon’s scent on the fabric had become faint, and barely recognizable. it only made yixing succumb to anguish more, unable to sleep from the overbearing fondness he felt after slipping his wedding band on his finger once more. it was foolish, he knew, yet its weight was once he still longed to carry.

he recalls junmyeon shedding tears during their wedding. “i’m _never_ taking this off. no matter how grumpy you get, and neither should you.” junmyeon teased him, and all the guests provoked them to kiss. they passionately did so. in retrospect, he had never been happier.

that memory was long gone, though it still made yixing’s heart swell.

if he could turn back time, then he truly would. the words he should’ve said back then are only coming to mind now, but he knows that junmyeon has no need for them now.

“my agent’s picking me up, i’m sorry, i have to go.” he hurriedly bows, greeting sehun and junmyeon again. his ex-husband staggers from misstepping in the snow, and yixing’s heart subtly clenches when he sees sehun circle an arm behind junmyeon’s back to support him.

junmyeon’s face reddens as he and sehun say goodbye to yixing. “stay safe,” he tells yixing, before finally turning away.

lifting his mask up to cover his face once more, yixing still doesn’t believe what happened. he was stunned, and confused. above all, an unwarranted sense of discomfort descended upon him.

the festive lights around him suddenly glimmered more radiantly than they did earlier—a harsh contrast against the deep sky and muted structures amongst them. he was more aware of his desolation, in a flash. 

“i’m sorry i couldn’t keep my promise.” yixing stares at junmyeon from afar, as his figure steadily became smaller and smaller while he left the busy street.

maybe junmyeon simply could not let go of the ring, becoming too accustomed to its weight on his shoulder, or against his chest. maybe he only thought of it as an object, instead of a memory, a promise of a bond to be shared with yixing for as long as life allowed.

yixing hoped that the ring against junmyeon’s chest was now just a mere trinket to him, and no longer a reminder of the pain he endured during their shared time.

maybe yixing did pick the right ring, but was it given to the right person, at the right time?

junmyeon disappears into the crowd, and yixing is frozen in time. he should’ve ran after junmyeon, his thoughts jab at him. would junmyeon even heed his words?

yixing stared at the beads on his wrist, wondering if they were a sign, but alas, his agent asks him to enter the car. when he’s asked about why he looks so miserable, he gives no answer.

his ex-husband slipped away, and yixing expected junmyeon to glance at him once, though he never did.

why? yixing had no inkling of the matter, though if he did, he _chose_ to ignore it.

the drive home makes him certain of one thing regarding the ring and why junmyeon wore it: yixing would never know.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for taking your time to read this!
> 
> I would sincerely appreciate your feedback. Feel free to comment your interpretation! 
> 
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